The house I grew up in wasn't exactly known for apologizing. We would have big blow ups... real knockdown, drag out fights and simply sweep them under the rug... never to talk them out, resolve them or make amends. So the next fight was always bigger and more hate fueled because we carried the resentment of the past fights with us into the next. It was a vicious cycle, one that haunts our family to this day. I know someone notorious for doing and saying hurtful things, yet they were never held accountable for it - "that's just how he is..", we were told. Well I think you are able to change who you are when you care about someone or want to make things right. When you're wrong, and you really know you're wrong, why not apologize? Either:
- You don't care that it hurt the person and lack remorse
- Fear of rehashing the argument
- You truly stand by what you've said
- Pride
When you allow time to pass without coming to a resolve, the damage only deepens. I wouldn't want an apology that was forced. I need to know they genuinely feel remorse for the hurt they've caused.
Just as you would expect an apology, you have to know how to accept one... learn from it, and move on. Carrying the weight of unforgiven issues will only haunt you and make it impossible for growth in the relationship. I have, for too long, tried to give forgiveness to those who have no asked for it. If they are unwilling to put forth the effort to make it right, you will never feel closure on the issue. I feel that I am worth the apology.
I am a work in progress, I am learning to not only apologize when I feel I am wrong, or when I can see I've hurt someone (weather intentional or not), but to also not sweep things under the rug. Know my worth. And know that relationships are disposable, even the longest. If a relationship is no longer bringing good in, it's time to let go. If someone feels the need to say hurtful things, but do not feel the need to apologize, they are making a choice. Be aware of that, it is a choice to not apologize when you’ve been made aware you’ve done damage.
The home I am building with my husband is quite the opposite. We talk everything out, sometimes to a fault. We apologize for hurt feelings, and heal from the issue, and try to not make the same mistake twice. Taking mental note of what we did wrong and how we can improve. I believe it’s true that history has a tendency to repeat itself, but you are in control of your destiny… and in my future I intend to re-write my wrongs and bad habits to create the strongest “us” we can be.
